I think we've found a possible next sexual cause for PEcUSA to advocate, after it has done the pending polygamy and age-of-consent fights scheduled for the next few decades. I mean, there's far less Biblical prohibition against this -- I don't think Scripture says a single thing about automobiles -- than there is against homosexual interaction or the ordination of women. So all the same "logic" which brought us those "new things" ought to be more than sufficient to justify this sort of behavior, right?
You'll know it's about time when the Herbie movies show up in the adult section of your local Blockbuster.
Note: I'm not making this up...
Edward Smith, who lives with his current "girlfriend" – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insisted that he was not "sick" and had no desire to change his ways.
"I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love," he said.
"Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful.
"I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change."
He added: "I'm not sick and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference."
Mr Smith, 57, first had sex with a car at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men.
But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his most intense sexual experience was "making love" to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf.
As well as Vanilla, he regularly spends time with his other vehicles – a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger.
Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah's Witnesses.
But he confesses that many of the cars he has had sex with have belonged to strangers or car showrooms.
His last relationship with a woman was 12 years ago - and he could not bring himself to consummate it, although he did have sex with girls in his younger days.
Mr Smith, from Washington state in the US, kept quiet about his secret fetish for years, but agreed to be interviewed as part of a channel Five documentary into “mechaphilia”. He is shown meeting other enthusiasts at a rally in California
Talking about how his unusual passion developed, Mr Smith said: "It's something that grew as a part of me when I was a kid and I could not shake it.
"I just loved cute cars right from the beginning, but over the years it got stronger once I got into my teenage years and was my first having sexual urges.
"When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it.
"I didn't fully understand it myself except that I know I'm not hurting anyone and I do not intend to."
He added: "There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving.
"There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them.
"As far as women go, they never really interested me much. And I'm not gay.”
Mr Smith is now part of a global community of more than 500 “car lovers” brought together by internet forums.
- Is there a magazine for this interest? _Intimate Mechanics_... with a double-page centerfold of a convertable with its top down?
- I suppose this means that mail-order bride magazines will have to start adding cars to the pictures in order to intice these sorts of buyers to order the women!
- And I'm sure there'll soon be a whole new line of scented and flavored motor oils available at those "special" automotive shops.
- I suppose the big question is whether this means fuzzy dice are now going to be an adults-only purchase.
- And I'm trying really hard not to wonder if getting new hubcaps qualifies as a "rim job".
- Or whether it's only if you're going above the speed limit that making out with the car is not "safe sex".
- This also gives "junk in the trunk" a whole new meaning.
- Andf you come home with "trailer trash", it means you've brought back the trailer.
Still, the more I thought about it, the more I began to suspect that this fellow might actually have a few arguments in his favor. I bring you...
The top 10 reasons that cars are better than women
- When a car gets tired, they're easy to change.
- A car is not offended if you pay someone else to give it a lube job.
- While looking for a new car, you're encouraged to take one out for a test drive, with no commitment.
- Even at today's prices, gas costs less than dinner and flowers.
- The showrooms with cars in the windows are actually reputable places you don't have to be embarassed about entering.
- Ditto on the car rental agencies. Heck, you can brag that you rented a Ford Escort.
- When the car has a nervous breakdown, AAA will tow it away for you... and you don't have to talk about anyone's feelings.
- You get a discount on the new car when you trade in your old one.
- And when you divorce your old car, you actually get to stop making payments, not start making them.
- Cars don't wear shoes. 'Nuff said.
LP - I'd think reason #1 is that cars come equipped with mufflers. ;)
First posted on the MCJ blog.
