Who needs a Pastoral Forum?...

... just use a bucket of water. Hey, it worked for Dorothy!

You and your little dog too! EH heh heh heh heh heh heh.....

Bible Study, Episcopal style

Dr. Schori helps us understand the real meaning of Jesus' parables:

So fear not, keep looking, and give thanks that when you find a glimpse of the kingdom of heaven, it is around us, even if it smells pretty fishy or whether it sounds like a riot in the wee hours of the morning.

The Episcopal church smells of death and decay, rocking with the shrill sounds of conflict and dissension.

Apparently that's a good sign.

Welcome to Dr. Schori's vision of the Kingdom of Heaven.

A Mirror-Mirror Schori?

Ever since she came into supreme executive power, Dr. Schori has been leading the charge of persecution and deposition against traditionalist Episcopal priests and bishops. Of course, this had already been quietly going on for years through misuse of the Title IV canons, a little legal trick started by the lovely bishop Bennison.

But Schori really ramped things up. In her brief tenure to date, she's already made a habit of charing into dioceses -- as she did in Virginia -- and forcing them to sue departing parishes, even if they had, internally, worked out and agreed upon an amicable protocol. When the diocese of San Joaquin voted by an overwhelming majority, all in accordance with its canons and proper procedures, to reaffiliate, she violated PEcUSA's own procedures, laws, and voting protocols to illegally attempt to depose San Joaquin's bishop and illegally install her own puppet diocese in its place. She has threatened to depose bishop Duncan because she does not like the views he has expressed or the way his own diocese has been voting.

In other words, she apparently has no reservations at all about storming into Episcopal dioceses to enforce her agenda on its people, leadership and policies -- even if it requires violating PEcUSA's own canons and procedures to do so.


And yet, when asked recently whether she would ask Gene Robinson to step down -- an individual whose ordination has done more to destroy international Anglican relations that anything that the bishops she has been suing and deposing have... and whose ordination represents, indeed, a rejection of the Christian and Anglican norms to which those other bishops have been attempting to be faithful -- she responded:

That’s certainly not within my purview. He’s (Bishop Robinson) the bishop of the diocese of New Hampshire and such a response would be a matter between him and his diocese and certainly not anything I would expect.

How about dem apples, eh? When a diocese does something she doesn't like -- such as upholding traditional Christian belief, or even failing to aggressively persecute those who do -- she's happy to storm in and start shoving people around. But when it's a fellow relativist and apostate (and particularly one who embodies PEcUSA's homosexualist heresy)... ah, all of a sudden she's a hands-off administrator and stickler for protocol.


Could it be that this woman is a two-faced double-dealing dishonest conniving bald-faced liar? Why... that would be such an uncharitable conclusion! No, I think there's a much "nicer" explanation... which must therefore, logically, be the true one. Star Trek fans will remember what the real explanation turned out to be when Mr. Spock was discovered acting out of character, right?

Good Mr. Spock

Evil Mr. Spock

You got it... a Spock from a parallel dimension!

Obviously, this must be the case with Dr. Schori. One Schori, who is a stickler for PEcUSA's canons and protocols -- and so refuses, on principle, to take any disciplinary action or interfere in the administration or choices of another diocese -- and the other, the mirror-mirror Schori who steamrolls over all laws, canons, protocols and procedures to impose her apostate policies, regardless of what the local people, congregations, priests or bishops want.

I mean, we all know what a good, honest, straight-forward leader -- one who always acts with respect, integrity, legality, and care for her people -- Schori is, right? So it must be a parallel-dimension twin who is doing all that other stuff, right?

Evil Dr. Schori

Eviler Dr. Schori

Yeah. That's it.

Wreck-on-silly-ation

If there's one thing worse than bad theology, it's bad theology over and over and over again.

Which makes me think yet again, not surprisingly, of Dr. Schori, Presiding Apostate.

In a recent emission about "What we're here to do and be as part of the Anglican Communion", Schori once again riffs on her theme of "reconciliation", telling us all about

the ways in which you and I live out our baptismal covenant and engage in God's mission of reconciling the world (Book of Common Prayer, page 855)

Of course, she needs to check her BCP (no doubt she's already working off the martini-stained pages of a draft of the more eco-friendly BCP we've been promised), which actually says "The ministry of lay persons is... to carry on Christ's work of reconciliation in the world". (Of course, the BCP itself rather selectively reports the Bible's own words, which speaks of reconciliation to God... but we don't want to talk about God, but focus on "in the world." But the perversions of the Episcopal 1979 BCP are too many and varied to examine here.)

Anyway, does Schori on "reconciliation" sound familiar? It should. This has been a pet theme of Schoria Law for years now. It showed up in her comments upon her election as Presiding Apostate, as she described what the mission of the Episcopal church is:

Having the experience of sitting down face to face with a broad spectrum of viewpoints in the Episcopal Church over numerous days gave us the opportunity to build relationships with people who on the surface we might not choose to have relationships with. That kind of relational work, of reconciling work, is what this church is about.

And the theme has come up over and over again... it's the mantra she chanted when some Virginia parishes fled PEcUSA for a Christian jurisdiction:

Our mission as a Church is the reconciliation of the world. We will continue to feed the hungry, house the homeless, educate children, heal the sick, minister to those in prison, and speak good news to those who have only heard the world's bad news. That is the work to which Jesus calls us, and that is the work we shall continue - with a priority of peace and justice work framed by the Millennium Development Goals.

Do a google search and you'll come up many more examples.


Skim a few, and you'll see (as from the above) that for her, this mission of "reconciliation" apparently equates caring for the "least" and the "left out" -- i.e. the poor, the oppressed, the minority (but loudest) deviant sexual practices, etc. In other words, it appears to mean, in the world, the Millenium Development Goals of which she's so fond... and, in the church, supporting the pro-lesbigay-activity lobby. This is her "reconciliation of the world."

Now, caring for the poor; healing the sick; &c all these are good things. Make no mistake. But are they the "ministry of reconciliation"? Is gay marriage, and adultery, and toleration of heresy & apostasy what Scripture really means by this "ministry of reconciliation"? Can it even support this interpretation?

I realize that what Scripture actually says is of very little interest to Episcopal bishops... but if you're one of those antiquated knuckle-dragging brain-dead oddball (like myself) who actually is interested in Scripture, perhaps we should take a quick look at it to appreciate just how far from divine truth and revelation this Episcopal goodspeak has fallen.


Presumably, Dr. Schori and the BCP are referring to 2 Cor 5 when they talks about a "ministry of reconciliation".

Therefore, if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to Himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. So we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We beseech you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake He made Him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.

So, what is Scripture's view of this "ministry of reconciliation"? Well, first it is fundamentally the ministry of Christ - reconciling us to God. We needed reconciliation with the Father because we were separated from him by our sin, and the death which is its wages. Christ reconciled us to the Father when He "made Him to be sin who knew no sin" -- i.e. to take our sins upon Himself and suffer for them, paying their price (archetype of the OT's "scapegoat")... our sins, which prevented the reconciliation, being thereby removed.

This is why the passage describes us, having been reconciled, as being "a new creation; the old has passed away, behold, the new has come." In other words, this ministry by Christ results in the destruction of sin and our transformation into the likeness of Christ by the law of Grace. (A process described throughout the NT; if the Presiding Apostate isn't familiar with this it's time for some remedial Bible study. Instruction by a child with a fifth-grade reading level who hasn't ever been corrupted in an Episcopal Sunday School class might be a good place to start.)

The Father, in turn, has given Christ's "ministry of reconciliation" to us: "All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to Himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation".

In fact, this "ministry of reconciliation" isn't, strictly speaking, something we do -- rather, it's something God does and to which we invite people: "So we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We beseech you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God." It is Christ who performs the ministry of reconciliation... we are ambassadors, urging others to be reconciled to Him.


Now, is this "ministry of reconciliation" to celebrate homosexual marriages and ordain active homosexuals, so they don't feel left out? No. Is it to reduce bovine methane emissions or use more sporks? No. Is it even to address the urgent needs of third-world poverty? No. Is it, in short, any of the things that Schori describes as the church's "ministry of reconciliation"? Not a one.

Rather, this ministry of reconciliation is to reconcile man to God through Christ by abandonment of sin, by God's forgiveness, and by a life of righteousness. And the destruction and abandonment (not the celebration) of sinful activity is at the heart of this "reconciliation" -- it is what Christ accomplished for us as the prerequisite for our reconciliation to the Father.

The Church's "ministry of reconciliation", in short, is to beseech the sinful world to repent and be reconciled to God through Christ. Which is the opposite of PEcUSA's self-appointed ministry, which is to reconcile the laity to the sinful practices of the world, thus alienating them from God.


Let's quickly look at a few other instances in which the New Testament speaks of "reconciliation" (both 'katallasso' and 'apokatallasso') to make sure that this reading of 2 Cor 5 hasn't been taken out of context.

For in him all [Christ] the fulness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were estranged and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and irreproachable before him, provided that you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel. (Col 1:19-23)

I.e. we are "reconciled" by removing, through His body and death, the "evil deeds" of our sin, that we might be "holy and blameless" before the Father... provided, of course, that we continue in the faith!

But God shows his love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we are now justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.... so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. (Rom 5:8-10,21)

Once again, that which separated us from the Father -- our sin -- is removed by Christ that we might be reconciled to Him.


In summary, then, what the Presiding Layperson has done is to bandy about the Scriptural notion of "ministry of reconciliation"... but using the vague reference to pervert and invert its meaning. For when she says that the "ministry of reconciliation" means advocating social justice in this world, particularly in promoting the homosexualist heresy and persecuting Scriptural Christians, she reveals she doesn't have the first clue about what the Scriptural meaning of "ministry of reconciliation" actually is.

And, in fact, she uses it advocate the exact opposite of its Scriptural meaning: i.e. the alienation of man from God's righteousness -- the rejection or abandonment of the reconciliation which Christ offers us -- by reconciliation with sin, with the "old man", and with the world.


But, then again, as Episcopal bishops keep telling us by word and deed... we can always rewrite the Bible. I guess Schori's ignoring and perverting of the plain meaning of the passage is just part of that well-established Episcopal process.

They still don't get it

It really is hardly news, these days, when Episcopal sorts show their complete ignorance of matters Scriptural and theological. Given what sort of garbage their seminaries have been teaching for the last few decades, that's hardly surprising.

Nevertheless, I'm still amazed at their periodic attempts to defend their lunacy and apostasy by ignorant appeals to Tradition. This particular swine pearl caught my eye just now:

The Most Rev Katharine Jefferts Schori, the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church, has vowed to ask Dr Williams "to encourage other parts of the Communion to cease their incursions" while they are together at Lambeth.

She said: "It's totally opposed to a traditional Christian understanding of how bishops relate to each other. That's the biggest difficulty. They're setting up as something else in the same geographical territory."

That's a lovely institutionalist sentiment... but it's not "a traditional Christian understanding."

You see, the Christian understanding is not that bishops form some arbitrary corporation, each with a bailiwick in which he can do whatever he likes. (And Schori herself obviously doesn't believe this... after all, she illegally deposed +Schofield when he and his diocese did what they canonically and legally chose and imposed her own illegal and uncanonical shadow diocese which is, by any reasonable measure, even more irregular than those parishes or dioceses which have sought alternate oversight!) Rather, the Christian understanding is that the bishops represent Christ to their people, and their authority as head of the people and their relationship with their peers is grounded in that unity in Christ. A unity which involves preserving the faith that is His will and teaching. "If ye love Me, keep My commandments..." THIS is the "traditional Christian understanding" of the bishop -- take a look at what St. Ignatius of Antioch, who died less than a century after Christ's resurrection, wrote on the subject:

I have therefore hastened to exhort you to set yourselves in harmony with the mind of God. For even Jesus Christ, our inseparable Life, is the Mind of the Father, as also the bishops, established in the furthest quarters, are in the mind of Jesus Christ. Hence it is fitting for you to set yourselves in harmony with the mind of the bishop, as indeed you do. For your noble presbytery, worthy of God, is fitted to the bishop, as the strings to a harp. And thus by means of your accord and harmonious love Jesus Christ is sung. Form yourselves one and all into a choir, that blending in concord, taking the key-note of God, you may sing in unison with one voice through Jesus Christ to the Father, that He may hear you and recognize by means of your well-doing that you are members of His Son. Therefore it is profitable for you to live in unblameable unity, that you may be also partakers of God continually.

Sure, there is a tradition that established diocesean boundaries should be preserved. You can point to canon 15 of the Council of Nicaea for example. But the more fundamental issue, indeed the context, for understanding "bishop" and "diocese" and "jurisdiction" is that this is among the "communion" of bishops who share, preach, and defend that same catholic faith. And the same Ecumenical Councils which condemn certain persons for boundary-crossings are exactly those which excommunicate heretical bishops and replace them with orthodox ones.

Those who now come as missionary bishops, or extend their jurisdictions into, Shori's "territory" are not crossing diocesean boundaries... not "setting up shop" in someone else's jurisdiction. They are, rather, extending their authority into territories which no longer have valid bishops. This is precisely what GAFCon said:

We reject the authority of those churches and leaders who have denied the orthodox faith in word or deed. We pray for them and call on them to repent and return to the Lord.... We recognize the desirability of territorial jurisdiction for provinces and dioceses of the Anglican Communion, except in those areas where churches and leaders are denying the orthodox faith or are preventing its spread, and in a few areas for which overlapping jurisdictions are beneficial for historical or cultural reasons.

Which is, in fact, similar to what the Continuing Church movement said (rather more strongly and expressly) decades earlier:

We affirm that the Anglican Church of Canada and the Protestant Episcopal Church in the United States of America, by their unlawful attempts to alter Faith, Order and Morality (especially in their General Synod of 1975 and General Convention of 1976), have departed from Christ's One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church... We affirm that all former ecclesiastical governments, being fundamentally impaired by the schismatic acts of lawless Councils, are of no effect among us, and that we must now reorder such godly discipline as we strengthen us in the continuation of our common life and witness... We affirm that the claim of any such schismatic person or body to act against any Church member, clerical or lay, for his witness to the whole Faith is with no authority of Christ's true Church, and any such inhibition, deposition or discipline is without effect and is absolutely null and void.

THESE are the sentiments which reflect "traditional Christian understanding" of bishops, their responsibilities and their inter-relations.


Because, you see, it is not that these alternate non-Lambeth jurisdictions are coming in to "set up as something else in the same geographical territory."

It is, rather, that they are coming in to preserve in that territory the faith and order which Shori and her cronies are replacing with SOMETHING ELSE.

It is these missionary actions (those condemned by ++Williams and Schori) which truly represent fidelity to "traditional Christian understanding." As Williams himself, scholar of the Arian crisis, knows full well.

Emissions Alert!

Dr. Schori responds to GAFCon's final statement with a bit of her usual Episcopal flatulence. I have copied and decoded it for your convenience. Obviously the Patron Saint of Greenhouse Emissions and Episcopal Preaching has been hard at work again.

Much of the Anglican world must be lamenting the latest emission from GAFCON

especially those of us 'Anglicans' who have abandoned faith in Christ and any recognizable Christianity and really don't like it when people draw attention to that fact, even if we have bought off most of the mainstream media.

Anglicanism has always been broader than some find comfortable.

which is why we feel entitled to make it so broad (and condemn those who don't) that it includes absolutely anything and anyone (and any position and choice of partner) so that no one feels excluded. Well except, of course, those irrelevant and pre-modern folks who actually quote-believe-unquote in stuff. Like Christians. Pfft.

This statement does not represent the end of Anglicanism...

"Yeah, you're just worried it represents the end of a meaningful Anglican Communion and your perqs, PR status, and legal position!" ... "Shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!"

...merely another chapter in a centuries-old struggle for dominance by those who consider themselves the only true believers.

"Yeah, like the struggles of the early Church against the Gnostic heretics and persecuting pagan Romans!" ... "Shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! Damn it, someone find out where that voice is coming from!"

Anglicans will continue to worship God in their churches,

until we can steal those buildings from them to sell off to cover our pension plans and HOB retreat expenses

serve the hungry and needy in their communities

like David Booth Beers, who has only had 5 martinis today and is looking wan and haggard as a result

and build missional relationships with others across the globe

like with Unitarians, Druids, Wiccans, Satanists, priestesses of Isis, and lots of other interesting folks from whom we have so much to learn... and soooo many new and different relationships to explore! Oh, and the American Farm Bureau. And the American Automobile Association. Vroom vroom!

despite the desire of a few leaders to narrow the influence of the gospel.

"Yeah, leaders like Christ and His apostles! You know ... as in 'small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life'?" ... "Shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! What the hell are you quoting there anyway? It's obviously not from anything relevant to our organization or its mission"

We look forward to the opportunities of the Lambeth Conference for constructive conversation, inspired prayer, and relational encounters.

We have the +ABC and the Consultative Council firmly in our pocketbook to ensure that we'll only have 'conversation', no resolutions or effective action. Oh, and I know Vicky Gene definitely has a whole bunch of "relational encounters" lined up, as do many of our other clergy. And I always get first dibs at those parties. Being the boss is so much fun... and the annual $2 million paycheck doesn't hurt either! Who's your momma?

First posted on the MCJ blog.

Some boundary crossings are less equal than others

Although there's no criticism from 815 when pro-W"O" activists (lay and clergy) sneak into the diocese of Fort Worth to agitate for the advancement of that heresy in one of the few remaining partial-holdouts in PEcUSA, some definite squacking occurs when an Anglican primate (with whom Dr. Schori is, theoretically, in communion) accepts an invitation from that diocese's bishop to visit. This canonical visit by a fellow Anglican Communion bishop is, apparently, such a terrible violation of PEcUSA's integrity that it required that a condemnatory letter be publicly circled on the internet in protest. Apparently, someone over at 815 needs to explain to their Fuhrer how to use a telephone or, at the very least, put a stamp on an envelope.

Let's decode that letter, shall we?

Donnette Schorlione’s letter close-captioned for the PEcUSA-double-speak impaired

From ELO-NEWS's intro:

Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori has advised Southern Cone Presiding Bishop Gregory J. Venables in an April 29 letter…

A letter, which, magically, has appeared on the Internet before it even made it into the U.S. Mail service. Fancy that! Yup... why bother to write a private letter -- or even simply phone ++Venables -- when what you’re really doing is posturing and protesting in public to make Integrity happy and get public documents out there to help set up future law suits?

We haven’t even gotten to the text of the letter yet... but is anyone even taking this transparent charade seriously?

Oh, right, some will—i.e. the head-in-the-sands it’s-not-happening-in-my-parish oh-it’s-no-big-deal hey-it’s-just-some-lunatic-fringe-people-causing-trouble Episcopalians whose church has been systematically deceiving and theologically blinkering for 40 years now. Of course. Silly me.

Then again, the average such person is nearly 60 years old and in a parish with an ASA of around 30. Can’t count on their willful blindness and institutionally-induced ignorance keeping putting in the weekly check for too much longer, now can you?

Oh, hang on.... maybe that’s why PEcUSA wants those valuable properties which they didn’t pay a cent for so badly -- so they can sell them off to fund law suits, pensions, airfair to Lambeth to have tea with the Queen, and martini dinners in NYC... with 00.7% left over for a token donation to the blessed MDGs. Silly me.

But let’s take a look at that letter, shall we?

Dear Gregory,

Meaning: hey you wretched conservative over whom I don’t have any jurisdiction more’s the pity,

I write to urge you not to bring further discord into The Episcopal Church.

We’ve got enough discord being spread by our own last holdouts of conservative and somewhat traditional belief... we don't need people like you coming in from abroad and stirring things up by giving examples of genuine Anglican Christianity. If everyone would just cave in to the apostasy, we wouldn’t have any of this discord—so the discord is all their fault and you’re not helping!!!

Visiting a special convocation of the Diocese of Fort Worth with the expressed purpose of describing removal to the Province of the Southern Cone is an unprecedented and unwarranted invasion of, and meddling in, the internal affairs of this Province.

After all, I’m the only one allowed to invade a foreign province, steal its assets, and attempt to reconstitute back under my control. It’s okay for me to do that in San Joaquin (even if it means ignoring the legal bishop, deposing the legal standing committee, and illegally appointing my own toady... and I promise you, we’re going to get all that property and buildings back too!) but don’t you dare think you can come make a pastoral visit at the invitation of the local bishop. That’s crossing the line, buddy! I can do whatever I damn well feel like -- especially because the House of Bishops is too spineless and craven to stop my rampant illegality -- but don’t you dare put a toe anywhere in the USA without MY express permission, regardless of who invited you or for what reason!

I ask you to consider how you might receive such a visit to your own Province from a fellow primate.

(Answer: with a lot more grace, civililty, and tact that you are, Madame Schoria Law!)

The actions contemplated by some leaders in Fort Worth are profoundly uncanonical.

I.e. I don’t agree with them. You should know by now that my opinion -- not the clear word of law or constitution -- is all that matters in PEcUSA. Besides, DBB and I don’t quite yet have all our ducks in a row for the crushing of the diocese of Fort Worth, the deposition of its faithful bishop and priests, and the theft of its property... so we’re going to scream “canons canons canons” at you... until we’re all set to move in and uncanonically rip its parishes away from its people. Hey, it worked in San Joaquin!

They also prevent needed reconciliation from proceeding within this Province.

After all, "reconciliation" means the disenfranchizement of everyone who disagrees with me, the theft of every parish’s property, the crushing of all genuine Christian faith, the imposition of our wide assortment of revisionist heresies and apostasies, and the driving out of our institution of any vestige of tradition Christian faith or Anglican practice. We just need to get everyone (or, at least, everyone who’s staying in the organization) reconciled to that new reality. See? --"reconciled" ... "reconciliation" ... that’s what we mean by it -- and, once again, you’re not helping!

I urge you to focus your pastoral ministry within your own Province.

And stop being pastoral to the Christians whom I am persecuting and marginalizing!!! -- because that’s showing up just how un-pastoral, duplicitous, uncharitable, apostate, egocentric, and meretricious my own leadership is... and we can’t risk letting any of those clueless head-in-the-sand write-the-weekly-check 'Piskies we count on stumbling across something which might actually shock them out of their self-indulgent stupor to see what’s really going on!

May your ministry there be fruitful.

Of course, we’ve got more fruits (and nuts!) up here in PEcUSA, so nyah-nyah!

I remain Your servant in Christ,

Well, actually, I remain your implacable enemy because I serve Mammon and the Spirit of this world, not Christ and the Holy Spirit... but if I mouth the pious platitudes you’ll have to be nice to me in any response and I can whine and play the victim card if you say anything at all harsh or—worse yet—if you remember the example of how the apostle John reacted to Cerinthus. (Ha! Bet you didn’t know I knew that bit of apostolic trivia, now did you? Not that I ever read that sort of stuff in seminary, but Gene mentioned it when he was talking about how God isn’t the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and so I googled it!)

Katharine Jefferts Schori

That’s Doctor PRIMATE ALL POWERFUL AND EXULTED ONE Schori to you, buddy.


First posted on the MCJ blog.

Stick a spork in it

For Earth Day 2008, Dr. Schori gave an address in which she urged her listeners to "go green" by reusing plastic bags, installing better lightbulbs and (I'm not making this up) carrying around a SPORK.

Oddly, she said nothing about the environmental effect of transporting the entire H.O.B. to various useless meetings and conferences, or of the mountains of resources consumed by illegal or nuisance lawsuits to steal properties from the congregations which paid for them. But as the goal, as with so many things Episcopal, is just to produce a token gesture to feel good rather than to make any significant or fundamental change for the better, perhaps that's fitting.

At any rate, this got me wondering as to what the next step in the "greening" and "gaying" and "gaiaing" of PEcUSA might be...

The Green Report
April 23, 2008
New York, NY

At yesterday's Earth Day ceremonies, the Fuhrer of the Episcopal Organization made a startling announcement. Our reporter was able to catch up with her today for a phone interview on our weekly radio show about the Episcopal Organization's latest new policy. The transcript follows.


GR: Good morning, Dr. Schori, it's a pleasure to speak with you.

KJS: Good morning, Alice. And it's "bishop" Schori. But call me Kathy. I'm so pleased to be able to give an interview to an environmentally-conscious publication like your own.

GR: Thanks very much, ah, Kathy. So, you made a rather startling announcement on Earth Day yesterday; would you care to tell us about it?

KJS: I'm not sure it's really that startling, Alice. Certainly we think it makes a lot of sense. But, yes, I took the opportunity of that address to announce that the Episcopal church would be replacing Easter with Earth Day as its high holy day after General Convention 2009.

GR: Could you tell us why your organization has chosen to make this break with tradition?

KJS: We in the Episcopal church have never felt it a good idea to be shackled by "tradition". We need to be forward-looking and progressive to stay relevant to today's society, not held back by out-of-date superstitions or practices. Why, if we listened to "tradition" all the time, we wouldn't be able to ordain women, marry homosexual couples, or permit laity to administer communion. Heck, we'd have to defrock over 90% of our bishops and clergy, myself included! Obviously, that's just not reasonable or practical in the 21st century... not if we wish to stay competitive in a shrinking market.

GR: So how do you see this change in the liturgical year as being helpful to your organization?

KJS: Well, Alice, the traditional "Easter" celebration has always been inherently exclusive. In so many ways, it tells people that they aren't welcome... and that just isn't the Christian message.

First, of course, Easter is based on a silly non-scientific myth that someone actually rose from the dead. That belief right there is offensive to the modern mind. Certainly, we've been teaching our seminarians for decades now that no such thing ever really happened, and I can assure you that very few of our bishops or other leaders actually believe such nonsense, but the popular impression of Christianity -- due in large part to the kind of ignorant fundamentalism with which many people associate the religion -- remains that we still believe such patently obvious nonsense. And our continued prioritizing of Easter lends itself to that mistake. So one reason for the change was to try to correct that impression -- to make it clear that we in the Episcopal church, unlike those groups which teach a physical resurrection, welcome those who do not chose to leave their brains at the door.

Secondly, Easter has always been, at its heart, a spring solstice ceremony. It's well known, after all, that many Easter customs were just adaptions of traditional pagan practices. By shifting our high holy day to Earth Day, we are, thus, preserving the essential meaning and lessons of easter -- that is, a celebration of the earth, new life, and spring time.

Thirdly, we know that the heart of the real Christian message as a whole also isn't beliefs or doctrines or creeds; it is to care for and tend our planet Earth, and gather together around a table of organically grown produce. Why, isn't the first charge that God gives humanity -- in the well-known Garden of Eden fable -- that they should tend the earth? It's in turning away from this common charge to humanity -- in breaking away from their environmentally-conscious polytheistic Canaanite brethren -- that the Judeo-Christian tradition first set itself on the path that has caused pollution, global warming, third-world economic crises, cow flatulence, and McDonald's. That's the real symbolic meaning of the "apple" in the Eden story, after all -- eating it shows their thoughtless exploitation of the bounties of nature for their own selfish ends, and that's how they lost the Garden. By replacing Easter with Earth Day in our liturgical calendar, we are announcing to the world that we have perceived and overcome this long tradition of environmental rape and that we have returned to a more authentic, gaia-centered worship.

In fact, in our forthcoming new Prayer Book -- which will now finally be able to take these transformations into account -- we hope to introduce liturgical elements and practices from not just ancient Canaanite ceremonies, but also from Druidic, Wiccan, and other eco-conscious religious traditions. The implications for liturgical garb alone are very exciting: why, I have here in front of me even as we speak a proposed loin-cloth, torque and head-dress combination which looks quite promising!
So we very much hope that, through these changes, more and more people will come to recognize that the Episcopal church is an opening and welcoming place, not one shackled to ancient superstitions or practices, and that all are welcome to come worship with us.

GR: Including traditional Christians?

KJS: Well, obviously not them... I mean, part of our message is that all are welcome to contribute to the offering pl... er, I mean, to sit at our table, regardless of belief, sexual orientation or activities, and so forth. We are an inclusive church where everyone is welcome -- so obviously those who are exclusive or have different beliefs must be driven out of our organization. I mean, how else could we be a welcoming place?

GR: Some have suggested that by changing its emphasis in this way, your organization may actually be losing ground. I mean, hasn't the membership of your group shrunk more on the last decade than any other denomination?

KJS: Oh, that's really a false impression. Sure, we're in a period of demographic shift. But as our culture comes to recognize the true nature of the Episcopal church, we hope to get more and more homosexual couples and college-brainwash.. er, I mean, -educated liberal young people. And though it's true that our eco-conscious membership knows better than to have children -- or no more than one at most -- out of respect for the planet, the expected influx of new parishoners will certainly offset this decline in family attendance. And as more and more of our urban parishes start to offer our new "Martini Eucharists" on Saturday evenings -- which will feature low lights and comfortably padded pews as well as the martinis -- we expect to see yet another significant upsurge in attendance.

Anyway, the Episcopal church even now measures 2.2 million members, and that's nothing to sneeze at.

GR: Isn't it true that the number of people actually attending -- the "average sunday attendance" as it's called -- is more like 700 thousand?

KJS: Really, Alice, you do need to check your background information better. ASA is notoriously hard to estimate. Besides, it really doesn't matter how often people come to church every single Sunday -- I mean, we don't believe in forcing anyone to do anything they're not comfortable with -- what matters is simply their affiliation with and contribution to our church. No, our official membership rolls say 2.2 million, and so that must be the proper number.

GR: Sorry, Kathy, I'm sure you're right. But it is well-known that some people have left your organization in recent years over its abandonment of what might be called "traditional" or "historic" or "creedal" Christianity, true? Do you have any concern that this latest change -- replacing Easter with Earth Day -- might lose more members?

KJS: Oh, sure, there are a few individuals here and there who have left the church lately. But it really is a vanishingly small number -- only about 1% of the whole membership. It's just that they make a lot of noise in the press and on the internet, and that blows their actual size or significance way out of proportion. And while individuals can leave, no parish or diocese can -- so I'm happy to say that not a single parish has left the Episcopal church for nearly 30 years!

As for the effects of this new liturgical development -- well, really, Alice, all you need to do is look at the history of the church over the last 30 years to see that very few people will leave over it. I mean, in 1962 we made clear that bishops no longer needed to believe in Christianity when the House of Bishops chose not to censure bishop Pike. Very few people left. In 1976 we retroactively accepted the 11 women who had been ordained to the priesthood (contrary to our 1973 ruling) and in doing so we abandoned what might be called the "traditional" or "catholic" concept of the priesthood and the practice of the so-called "apostolic succession" -- not to mention flouting our own regulations -- for the sake of our social justice concerns. Very few people left. In 2003 we made it quite clear that, regardless of what other Anglican churches in some backwards third-world countries might do, we intended to welcome homosexual people and their relationships into full participation in the Episcopal church's sacramental and ministerial life. And still, very few people left -- as I said, less than 1%.

Sure, some of the unenlightened grumbled a bit, not being quite ready for this obvious next step in the transformation of the Episcopal church into the inclusive and welcoming place it is today, but, as you know, when "push came to shove" and the so-called "Windsor" bishops and parishes had to actually make a choice, nearly all of them remained faithful to the institution. Why, for years we've even been able to ignore the plain meaning of our own canons to drive out the undesirable priests and bishops and only the mildest of objections has been offered.

You see, by far and away the vast majority of Episcopalians really don't care what their institution teaches or practices -- as long as they get to go to a familiar building, see their friends, sing some well-known hymns, and get a nice spread at coffee hour... that's all they really care about. After all, very few people are theologians, right? The church is about fellowship and community, about breaking multi-grain organic bread together, not about doctrines or beliefs. We can have different interpretations or perspectives but still share the same table, just like any family.

So, no, I really don't expect this change to alienate our existing membership -- but I do expect it to show the world what a welcoming and environmentally-friendly organization we are and attract many new contribut... er, members.

Out of respect to our more "conservative" members, we certainly will continue to offer the old-style traditional Rite II ceremonies in our larger parishes, and we'll keep having celebrations on Easter of course. But, increasingly, our liturgical focus -- through the Stations of the Millenium Development Goals, our liturgies celebrating abortions (which, after all, reduce the surplus population), the Blessing of Love-Companion Animals, and above all our High Holy Earth Day -- will increasingly shift to match the beliefs we have been teaching in our seminaries and preaching in our pulpits for the last several decades. After all, it's an ancient axiom of the church that "as people pray, so they believe"... so it makes sense to keep changing our prayers to match the new beliefs we are presenting.

GR: I know that your organization contributes finanically to the MDGs... do you forsee an increase in donations to eco-conscious organizations like Green Peace?

KJS: Oh, well, we certainly hope that will come to be the case. To tell the truth, we're a little strapped for cash at the moment because of the legal fees forced upon us to prevent a handful of parishes from trying to steal properties and assets which rightly belong to the Episcopal church. But as soon as those are resolved, we'll be able to streamline our operation by consolidating various parishes and dioceses and by selling off some of those older properties, especially those in urban areas (where the local population tends to be both poorer and more conservative and thus less likely to help contribute to our goals). This will generate quite a nice windfall for us... and I'm hopeful that, once we've paid off legal expenses and put some away for our anticipated pension fund needs, we'll be able to start giving 0.5% to 0.7% of our net profit to environmental causes, matching our contribution to the blessed MDGs.

GR: And where do you think all this will lead your organization in coming years?

KJS: Oh, well, I really wouldn't want to try to predict. We've started to have some very promising ecumenical discussions with certain other religious denominations -- the Reformed Druids of North America or the Covenant of the Goddess for example -- but those are in their early days and I wouldn't want to speculate on the future.

No, right now my focus is on my duties as presiding bishop -- to preach on environmentalism and green living, to work for social justice and the inclusion of all people regardless of belief or sexual orientation, to continue to advertise what a welcoming place the Episcopal church is, and, of course, to spearhead the effort to remove from the church the few remaining hold-outs of "traditional" or "orthodox" belief which persist in objecting to the new thing to which the spirits are leading us. Believe me, that's more than enough for me to worry about right now!

GR: [laughs] I can certainly appreciate that, Kathy! Well, I see our time is nearly up, so I want to thank you for speaking with us... and, especially, for your continued commitment to environmentalism and the green cause.

KJS: Oh, you're quite welcome. And, don't forget, you're always invited to come break bread with us!

GR: Thanks Kathy. Chelsae and I usually sleep in on Sunday mornings since our coven meetings often run late on Saturday nights, but we'll certainly bear it in mind.

KJS: Well, you're always more than welcome... because the Eco-piscopal Church is a welcoming place! Shalom!

GR: That was Dr. K. J. Schori, presiding administrator of the Episcopal church.

END

First posted on the MCJ blog.

Ecumenical Priorities - Schori-style

Dr. Schori decided to opt-out of the pope's reception of American religious leaders in April because she had to (get this) attend the opening of a new Episcopal building in Utah. Actually, I shouldn't act so surprised. After all, PEcUSA's priorities are clearly about retaining property, not about retaining the Christian faith, so it's quite fitting that she should have planned her schedule accordingly.

However, it occurred to me that, while she was out there, she ought to do a bit of ecumenical work to "make up" for having dissed the pope and meet with the Mormons. After all, they too pretend to be Christian while rejecting the teaching of Christian Scripture, importing recycled heresies, and advocating all sorts of weird new teachings. I mean, labyrinths and druid worship pale by comparison to getting fancy underwear and (if you're very good) a whole new planet or universe all to yourself! Maybe she could even pick up some pointers while there.

To help her out, I even wrote her address for her:

KJS's speech to a Mormon Assembly
4/19/2008
Salt Lake City, Utah


My dear friends and fellow travelers on the path of faith! I greet you in the name of our shared quest for truth, social justice, and the divine within us all!

In my days as an amateur pilot in the adjoining state of Nevada, I periodically flew over your beautiful state, and I am very happy to finally be here on the ground amid you all. I have spent a lovely visit here so far and enjoyed the company of our bishop Irish -- who, as you know, was raised and baptized as a Mormon and still holds her childhood faith close in her heart. And I must take this opportunity to again thank President Monson for his lovely and thoughtful gift to me of some of your ceremonial undergarments. I'm eager to show them to our liturgical consultants back in New York and see what we can do with rainbow patterns and tie-dye.

But I also feel greatly privileged to address you today for I know just how much we have in common. Your founders came to this land seeking the freedom to pursue the dictates of their consciences, despite what leaders of so-called "established" religions in other parts of the world might think. You were led by a prophetic spirit, and you followed it with courage. We in the Episcopal church have, like you, followed our consciences, listening to the dictates of our spirits and prophets, and traveled into a new spiritual land that we might hold fast to the integrity of our priorities, positions and principles.

Your founder, Joseph Smith, received a new revelation here in the wilderness. So, too, we in the Episcopal church, though surrounded by the wilderness of Biblical fidelity and historical literalism, have received our new revelation -- one that taught us that the heart of the Christian message is not creeds or catechisms... but is to seek social justice, to uphold the rights and choices of the victimized and marginalized, to seek to nurture and preserve the planet on which we live, and to have sex with whomever or whatever, wherever, however we feel like. For like your polygamy, these are our natural urges, and how can they be wrong?

You have this beautiful Temple here behind me from which you bar all those not initiate into your faith. Inspired in part by your example, we are now driving from our temples all those unclean ones who do not share our faith -- all those voices of oppression, bigotry, anti-institutionalism, common sense, moral decency, liturgical good taste, credulous creedal Christianity, and hamburger eaters.

For we have moved beyond the gaia-destroying Judeo-Christian rape of mother earth -- the arrogance and patriarchy imposed by that tradition ever since the Jews broke from their Canaanite and wholistic polytheistic brethren in a myopic pretense of finding a unique mnotheistic path to salvation -- for we move beyond the oppressive shackles of claims to objective morality or deity and into the shalom of a deeper truth.

And while we may have our differences -- you believe god to be a man living on the planet Kolob, while we believe god to be simply a symbol of the divine within us all -- you believe you shall ascend to be gods and be given new planets to rule, while we believe we are already adequately divine and must busy ourselves with healing this planet through the blessed MDGs -- still there is more than unites us than divides us. Indeed, recognizing this commonality, I invite you all to come worship and receive communion with us at St. Mark's cathedral tomorrow... for, in the end, what really matters is that we can worship and break bread together, whatever we may personally happen to believe.

And so it is that I have chosen to with you today, here in front of your beautiful Temple, celebrating our common commitment to a new spirit and a new revelation, rather than assembling with the representatives of antiquated and oppressive faiths who are meet this weekend in New York City.

For, like you, we in the Episcopal church know that our god is doing a new thing... and we are it! Salaam and shalom be with you!

First posted on the MCJ blog.

General Convention 2009 -- a transcript

In the wake of the illegal depositions of +Cox and +Schofield, and with Dr. Schori making noises about deposing +Duncan, we sent one of our time-traveling agents into the future to check out what might be coming down the "Bishop Pike" Pike at PEcUSA's GC next year. Here is a transcript of the recording with which our agent returned....

THE TRANSCRIPT from a closed-session H.O.B. meeting at General Convention, 2009.

Schori: Before finishing the session, we are required to take motions from the floor. Are there any motions?

Iker: Yes, I have one.

Schori: Any motions? Anyone?

Iker: Yes, I have a motion.

Schori: No motions?

Price (quietly): Um, ma'am, we're required by the rules of order to notice his motion.

Schori (quietly): Are you sure?

Price (quietly): Yes ma'am.

Schori (quietly): Even from someone like him?

Price (quietly): I'm afraid so ma'am.

Schori (quietly): Damn. Get that fixed before the next convention. (aloud) Why, Jack, I'm so sorry... I didn't see you there. Did you have something you wished to say?

Iker: I wish to move for consideration of the Title IV matter I submitted yesterday which we deferred to today's meeting.

Schori: Oh, come on now, Jack. Surely we can deal with that some other time. There's an exhibition at the museum across the street on native South Pacific goddess cults I really wanted to see -- I think it could give us some truly inspirational ideas for future prayer book revisions, not to mention new designs to put on my mitres.

Iker: I'm sorry, but I really must insist.

Schori (disgusted): Oh, very well. Is there a second?

Duncan: I second it.

Schori: No second?

Ducan: Second!

Schori: Bob? What the hell are you doing here? We already gave you the boot... you can't second a motion...

Price (quietly): Um, ma'am?

Schori (quietly): Damn it, what is it now Ken?

Price (quietly): Um, I'm afraid that, technically, he isn't inhibited yet.

Schori (quietly): What do you mean? I thought we had that all worked out! The money I distributed for bribes and retirement packages was nearly as much as we pay Beers each month! Don't tell me we couldn't get enough votes this time?

Price (quietly): Um, well, no, we got the votes, but the paperwork hasn't been fully processed yet, so it hasn't gone into effect.

Schori (quietly): What do you mean hasn't gone into effect?

Price (quietly): Well, after the National Church ran out of money a few weeks ago, we had to let all our secretaries go. You and Beers are the only ones left on the payroll, plus the funding to Integrity of course, and you're going on half-pay next week.

Schori: WHAT?!! (quietly) Er, I mean, what?! I thought we were getting income from the Jihadist party we're renting office space to in 815.

Price (quietly): Well, yes, but the check hasn't cleared yet. So all the paperwork is in your inbox still.

Schori (quietly): I have an "in box"?!

Price (quietly): Yes ma'am. It's been there for 3 weeks now.

Schori (quietly): Damn it, Ken, you know I don't have time for that sort of stuff! I've been out doing God's work -- you know, photo-ops in fields of organic grain and guest speaking at "Just Let Gene Robinson Be The Bishop Of New Hampsire" tours and exhibitions. I don't have time for paperwork... that's what we have secretaries for!

Price (quietly): Um, we had to let them go, remember?

Schori (quietly): Damn! (aloud) Um, ah, well folks, Ken tells me I have to accept Bob's second after all... (quietly) that worthless Bible-believing piece of.... [inaudible on transcript]

Duncan: Thank you.

Iker: I would like to draw the House's attention to the items in Appendix C from yesterday's agenda, pages 126-134.

Waynick: Objection! Out of order!

Schori: Aha! Can we dismiss the motion?

Iker: What do you mean, out of order, Cate?

Waynick: My pages are out of order. I've got page 132 before page 131!

Schori (quietly): Does that count?

Price (quietly): I'm afraid not.

Schori (quietly): Damn!

Iker: Um, riiiiight. Sorry about that. I guess the staff reductions have led to some inefficiency. Or maybe page 132 was feeling liberated. Anyway, I bring again before the House the matter of illegal and unauthorized diocesean boundary crossings last year by Elizabeth Kaeton and the other five individuals, documented in those papers.

Robinson: Objection!

Schori: Yes Gene?

Robinson: No one has mentioned my name or sympathized with my pain for almost ten minutes now. I just want to be the bishop of New Hampshire!

Schori: I'm so sorry, Gene. We feel your pain. Really, we do. (quietly) Ken, could you get security to slip him another sedative please?

Price (quietly): Yes ma'am.

Iker: Right. Um, where was I? Oh yes. The individuals mentioned in the brief entered several dioceses, including my own, and performed pastoral acts without the permission of the local bishops. Accordingly...

Schori: NO they didn't!

Iker: Um, yes they did. We have signed statements, newspaper reports, and videotapes from over 30 incidents in five dioceses...

Schori: Oh, facts... those don't matter. I'm talking about the higher spirit and deeper truth of the matter! And in that sense they didn't cross diocesean boundaries because we are all one without boundaries or divisions... well, except for you Bob.

Ackerman: Hang on, these are exactly the same charges on which Bishop Cox was deposed last year... except in that case, he was visiting parishes in a different jurisdiction and with the express permission of the local bishop. Here it was crossing boundaries in the same jurisdiction and without such permission. How is this not even worse?

Duncan (quietly): If the canon fits, you can't acquit?

[laughter]

Schori: Look, Keith, that's a totally different situation!

Ackerman: How is it different?

Schori: Bill was going off to minister to a congregation and jurisdiction which doesn't like the Episcopal Church. So they're the bad guys. We can't have our membership giving aid and comfort to the enemy...

Ackerman: Bad guys? The Province of Uganda is still a member of the Anglican Communion...

Schori: Nonsense! They's not the real church in Uganda!

Iker, Ackerman, Duncan: Excuse me?!!

Schori: They don't approve of homosexual activity, so last year we secretly sent over several bishops to start up several "bath-house churches" to be the real Anglican...

Price (quietly): Shhhh!

Schori (quietly): What?

Price (quietly): We're not supposed to say anything about that until Integrity's announcement in September!

Schori (quietly): Oh, right. Damn. (aloud) Um, scratch that. Um... I meant to say, um... ah! That the dioceses Elizabeth visited were violating the civil rights of women by not adequately celebrating women's ordination, and so boundary-crossing actions were true to the spirit of the Gospel as we've defined it and so they can't be criticized for it.

Iker: That's not what the canons say.

Schori (screaming): THE CANONS SAY WHATEVER I WANT THEM TO SAY!!!

[conflicting voices... general noise. 30 seconds before order is restored and the recording becomes clear again.]

Schori: Um, yes. Er, what I meant to say was that the foolish "respect" for the "minority position"...

Ackerman: You mean the clear sense of Scripture and 1900 years of explicit Christian teaching and practice... that minority position?

Schori (louder): ... the minority position opposing women's ordination for which we promised toleration as part of the "listening process" to con the traditionalist into tolerating innovation was, as you know, revoked in 1995 because by then we had the votes to force the revisionism on everyone. So your refusal to accept this new teaching of the church means that it is, in fact, you, not Elizabeth, who should be brought up on charges and...

Duncan: Objection!

Schori: What? I thought you supported that particular abandonment of orthodoxy with us, Bob?

Duncan: The issue at hand is not about Keith or Jack's theological beliefs, but about whether or not Elizabeth Keaton's illegal boundary-crossing should get her deposed.

Iker: Right. So I call for a vote on my motion.

Ackermann: Second!

Schori (quietly): Damn! (aloud) Oh, okay, okay. All in favor of censuring or deposing our good and visionary friend Elizabeth?

[Several calls of "aye"]

Schori: All opposed?

[Many calls of "nay"]

Schori: The nays have it. Motion defeated. Now, can we please...

Ackermann: I call for a roll-call vote!

Iker: Second!

Schori: A what?

Price (quietly): Um, they want to get everyone's votes on record.

Schori (quietly): Can they do that?!

Price (quietly): I'm afraid so.

Schori (quietly): Damn. (aloud) Um, it's obvious that the majority opposed it, Keith, do we really need...

Ackerman: I'm afraid I must insist. I would like everyone's votes on record.

Schori: Oh, alright al...

Price (quietly): Ma'am?

Schori (quietly): Now what?

Price (quietly): Um, this could be bad. I mean, if we actually get something on record, it could make it harder for some bishops to continue to con money out of their wealthy, elderly head-in-the-sand parishoners by pretending it's "all happening somewhere else"... and you know how tight money is getting...

Schori (quietly): Damn it. (aloud) One moment, gentlemen. (quietly) Get me David on the phone. He'll get us out of this!

Price (quietly): Okay, one sec... good thing he's on speed dial.... [on phone] Yes, hi, is David in? ... No, just for a minute... Thanks... Hi, Dave? This is Ken.... Yeah, fine, thanks. Listen, real quick: we're trying to avoid a roll-call vote and... oh, you have? ... You're sure? ... Great, thanks! -click-

Schori (quietly): Well?

Price (quietly): We're in luck. He said he keeps a copy of the canons and procedures in the bathroom and just happened to be looking over them yesterday.

Schori (quietly): Really? In his bathroom? Why?

Price (quietly): He said something about being out of toilet paper... I dunno, I didn't quite follow. Anyway, he said we can check ensure we have a quorum before doing the roll-call vote.

Schori (quietly): Will that work?

Price (quietly): I dunno. Worth a shot.

Schori (quietly): Great, let's...

Price (quietly): Oh, and we owe Dave another $159,400 for his time.

Schori (quietly): No problem... make a note to close down and sell off another parish property. Something from Illinois this time, I think.

Price (quietly): right.

Schori (aloud): Sorry about that delay. Um, right, so we'd be glad to do a roll-call vote...

Ackerman, Duncan, Iker: Really?!!!

Schori: ... but first we have to ensure we have a quorum for the roll-call vote to be valid.

Duncan: Didn't we last determine that a quorum is 13 bishops? Or was that a majority? I think there are more than 13 of us here...

Schori: No, I'm sorry, for something this serious we have to have a quorum of all members entitled to vote. This isn't something obvious like kicking anglocatholics and other traditionalists out. We have to do this one by the numbers.... Ken, do you have a headcount yet?

Price (quietly): Um, I'm afraid we're in trouble. We have exactly enough people here... we may have to do the roll call. Which means these votes could go on record, and that would be bad for some of...

Dixon: Um, excuse me...

Schori: Yes, Jane?

Dixon: Um, Gene appears to have passed out over here!

Schori (quietly): I guess those seditives finally kicked in...

Price (quietly): Um, ma'am... this means...

Schori (quietly): Got it! (aloud) Um, sorry folks, I'm afraid with Gene inexplicably incapacitated, we no longer have the necessary quorum for Jack's roll-call vote. The voice vote will just have to stand. No censuring of Elizabeth for her visionary and courageous witness against the voices of oppression. Now, can I have a motion to adjourn?

Dixon: Let's adjourn!

Harris: Second!

Schori: Meeting adjourned! (quietly) Thank Gaia! Well, I'm off to see that exhibit. Some of the photos have already given me some great ideas about new vestments...

First posted on the MCJ blog.

Presiding Administrator's Easter Message

The Presiding Administrator’s Easter 2008 message - DECODED

Your Easter celebration undoubtedly has included lots of physical signs of new life—eggs, flowers, new green growth.

Because you’re an Episcopalian, it certainly won’t include going to church… or, if it does, hearing anything about Christianity if you do.

As the Easter season continues, consider how your daily living can be an act of greater life for other creatures. How can you enact the new life we know in Jesus the Christ?

The “easter living” and “new life” which is, of course, the United Nations’ MDGs. That’s what it’s all about after all… read on. The “new life” certainly isn’t that of the Episcopal church, which is shrinking faster than any other denomination in the U.S. and which is actively replacing the life-generating love of marriage with sterile homoeroticism and murderous abortion.... but never mind all that… just keep chanting “MDG… MDG...”

In other words, how can you be the sacrament, the outward and visible sign, of the grace that you know in the resurrected Christ? How can your living let others live more abundantly?

After all, it is _you_ who are and does sacraments, not God. It is _your_ living—not His… er, sorry, _its_—which is the center of the Easter message.

The Judaeo-Christian tradition has been famously blamed for much of the current environmental crisis, particularly for our misreading of Genesis 1:28 as a charge to “fill the earth and subdue it.”

In case you missed such “famous” blaming, check out some of my other fine lectures.

Our forebears were so eager to distinguish their faith from the surrounding Canaanite religion and its concern for fertility that some of them worked overtime to separate us from an awareness of “the hand of God in the world about us,” especially in a reverence for creation.

And in fact—hmmm… maybe this is why I mention this point—people still do that today, thinking that Christianity is “true” or “better”. Look at all these silly un-modern “witch doctor"-like so-called “orthodox” these days who are actually so presumptuous as to claim Christianity reveals unique truth.

How can we love God if we do not love what God has made?

Remember: start with the fallen and corrupt creature… and then make God in that image. It’s so much easier that way. Imagine and then love God only insofar as He—er, sorry, it—matches our desires. Don’t love Creation for the sake of its Creator. That’s much more inconvenient.

We base much of our approach to loving God and our neighbors in this world on our baptismal covenant.

That’s the _new_ baptismal covenant, mind you, with the innovation of its 60s-ideology secular-humanist “justice” trumping all that depressing talk about sin, repentence, forgiveness, and faith.

Yet our latest prayer book was written just a bit too early to include caring for creation among those explicit baptismal promises.

… but don’t worry. We’ll be fixing that soon enough. We’ll be getting rid of some more of its inconvenient religious baggage at the same time too.

I would invite you to explore those promises a bit more deeply—where and how do they imply caring for the rest of creation?

Er, that would be “those promises” as I’ve just redefined and rewritten them mind you—this environmentalist stuff—not what the text actually says. But that shouldn’t be any problem for you… we’ve been teaching our clergy (and you) to do that with the Bible for over 30 years now.

We are beginning to be aware of the ways in which our lack of concern for the rest of creation results in death and destruction for our neighbors.

Of course, the few of you who have read the first chapters of Genesis might just notice that this isn’t a new idea… but, then again, those of you who actually read and believe the Bible will have left the Episcopal church years or decades ago, so that’s not really a concern for me, now is it?

We cannot love our neighbors unless we care for the creation that supports all our earthly lives. We are not respecting the dignity of our fellow creatures if our sewage or garbage fouls their living space.

Of course, the same might well be said about this sermon… and everything produced by the HOB.

When atmospheric warming, due in part to the methane output of the millions of cows we raise each year to produce hamburger, begins to slowly drown the island homes of our neighbors in the South Pacific, are we truly sharing good news?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, _this_ is the Easter message… _this_ is what Christ (and, of course, Muhammad and Buddah and Confucious and John Lennon) came to save us from.... (drum roll please)… COW FARTS!!!

The food we eat, the energy we use, the goods and foods we buy, the ways in which we travel, are all opportunities—choices and decisions—to be for others, both human and other. Our Christian commitment is for this—that we might live that more abundant life, and that we might do it in a way that is for the whole world.

Yup… _that’s_ our Christian commitment. Environmentalism. MDGs. Please stand by as we update your Prayer Book accordingly.

Abundant blessings this Easter, and may those blessings abound through the coming days and years.

Just don’t eat meat. Or drive SUVs. Or read your Bible or believe in Christianity. Or we’ll have to charge and expell you under Title IV or our new and improved canon law.

Have a nice day.

(Please find enclosed the latest draft of our new Canaanite easter liturgy.)



First posted on SFiF, before I was banned there for being too articulately traditional and catholic... as have quite a few other anglocatholics.

Deposition of the pope by Dr. Schori

In celebration of Dr. Schori's pleading of a "scheduling conflict" to avoid the reception by the pope of American religious leaders in New York this past April, I bring you:

THE EPISCOPAL ORGANIZATION
-- Office of the Supreme Leader, Fuhrer, and Executive Autocrat
Dr. Katharine Jefferts Schori
Presiding Oddly Mitred Person and Gorilla


Announcement of the Deposition of Pope Benedict XVI

The Title IV Review Committee having certified to me on April 19, 2008 pursuant to Canon IV. 1(1) of the Hermetic-Samaratine Corpus of the Secret Laws of Episcopal church (whose glorious contents are known only to those initiated into the mysteries of the goddess under the aegis of Simon Magus by archierophant Beers) that the Rt. Rev. Joseph Alois Ratzinger, sometimes known as Benedict the XVI, bishop of Rome, has abandoned the communion and teaching of this organization; and the three senior individuals of my personal coffee & martini klatch (the Rt. Rev B. Harris, the Rt. Rev. J. Spong and the Rt. Rev. V. G. Robinson) having consented to this inhibition on that same day, I hereby inhibit the said Bishop Ratzinger and order that from and after April 19, 2005, he cease and desist from exercising the gifts of ordination and ministry; and pursuant to Canon IV.15 of that same Hermetic legal corpus, I pronounce him deposed and order that he cease and desist such acts in any jurisdiction, country, monastery, pub, auditorium, sports arena, or ecclesial location.

I further order and decree that, pursuant to Canon IV.23a and to the Denis Canon, that all monies, properties, parishes, buildings, endowments and any other temporal or secular possessions heretofore belonging either to his see of Rome or to any diocese, religious house or institution which owes affiliation to that see is now forfeit to the Episcopal Organization and I direct that all titles, funds, leases, liens and endowments be transfered forthwith to this office after which transfers, pursuant to section 23b of that same canon, I direct him to cease and desist exercise of all matters temporal as well.

I call upon this former bishop of Rome, now deposed, to apologize to the world for being accused of supporting Nazism, for belittling Islam, for denigrating European secularism, for causing global warming, for eating beef, for rejecting homosexualism and women's ordination, for encouraging prayer, for having nicer vestments than I do, and for upholding Christian teaching.

I hereby direct that notice of this Inhibition and Deposition be expiditiously sent to the college of Roman cardinals, Louis Crew, the New York Times, the Ecumenical Patriarch (you're next, mister!), the Dalai Lama, Barbara Streisand, Muqtada al-Sadr and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may-he-live-forever-and-be-blessed-with-1000-camels.

Signed,
Katharine J. "Kitty Cat" Schori
a.k.a. Donnette Schorlione
Presiding Administrator of the Episcopal Organization
Revered and fully-participating member of the Canturbury Anglican Communion.


First posted on the MCJ blog

Episcopalians, Hide those Eggs

The Presiding Individual's Easter Message

Rendered into hymn form. Sung to the tune of Come, Ye Faithful, Raise the Strain

(I'm sorry... I just couldn't resist. I swear, Dr. Schori makes it too easy. This stuff just writes itself...)


Episcopalians, hide those eggs!
Display that branch a-greenin'
But remember, as you do,
The season's truer meaning!
No, I don't mean Jesus Christ,
Or even resurrection,
But what we preach to take His place:
Environmental protection!

Jews and Christians are at fault
For all the world's pollution,
By their foolish rejection of
The Caananite solution!
Fertility goddesses, and the Baals,
And Love Children of the '60s,
Were right instead -- but don’t despair...
We've got your new B.C.P.s!

Here come Episcopal missionaries,
(Though not as you expected)
Sewage, not sin, is to be done in
(The H.O.B.'s excepted.)
Rising sea levels aren't caused by sin,
We need no Noah's arcs,
For what the church should fight today...
Is hamburgers and cow farts!

Episcopalians, raise the strain,
Of your new religion:
Kick the last good bishops out,
Invite more unbaptized in! (*)
Sue the orthodox laity,
Abandon member retention,
We need to sell their buildings off...
So we can pay our pensions!


(*) For those few who might not get the reference: the bishopess of Utah, a former Mormon, has never received Christian baptism. She is, sacramentally, what much of the H.O.B. is theologically – non-Christian. And, of course, in a similarly total rejection of Christian sacramental theology, more and more dioceses are not requiring baptism for the reception of communion.


(First posted on various blogs, Holy Week 2008)