Next illegal diocese... Pittsburgh!

With the illegal and non-canonical establishment of PEcUSA's fake diocese of San Joaquin, you've got to start wondering if this is but the first example of yet another novel PEcUSAn precedent (demonstrating "radical welcome", inclusivity, and shalom) of replacing any "disobedient" (i.e. Christian) diocese with a new "company man." If it worked in San Joaquin, why not elsewhere?...


Pittsburgh
April 27, 2008
AP Wire

Surprise Episcopal Convention at Local Parish

Some Episcopal parishoners at Calvary Episcopal church were surprised today to find the leader of their organization, Dr. K. J. Schori, present at their 11 am service. Schori, after presiding over worship services, met in a special (and largely unexpected) diocesean convention with area Episcopalians to appoint a new bishop and standing committee for the troubled diocese.

Some parishoners expressed surprise at the announcement, of which they had received no warning. Rev. Geoffrey Chapman, a member of the standing committee, was informed about the visit via cellphone during the service's recessional hymn ("Unbreakable Union of Post-modern Anglicans") and arrived by taxi in time to raise an objection during the meeting, saying that he had never resigned from the Standing Committee and thus should not have his seat taken away from him. Several heavily-muscled deacons from the Episcopal Organization's central office muscled him out of the room before his protests could be completed. The Rev. H. Lewis, convention chair, merely said "this matter has been settled", and added, gesturing to the returning deacons, "anyone else who wishes to raise canonical or other legal concerns may address their questions to Deacon Mickey Da Finger and his associates, who will be pleased to have a conversation with their kneecaps."

When the convention secretary read a roll-call of the diocese's 74 congregations, 13 of them responded, represented by 4 clergy and 27 laity... although there was some delay caused when 25 of the 27 laity apparently forgot which parishes they were supposed to be representing and all of them demanded their promised checks to be handed over before announcing their presence and affiliation. Several of these individuals were then appointed to be the new diocesean Standing Committee.

Delegates, both clergy and laity, and nominees to diocesean office were required to sign an oath before taking up their posts. The oath read, in part, "I swear by my bank account and sex life this sacred oath that I shall render unconditional obedience to Dr. K. Jefferts Schori, Führer of the Episcopal organization and its parishes, supreme interpreter of canon law, final arbitrator of belief, quintessential designer of liturgical garb, primate of primates and most beloved of dictators, and that I shall at all times be ready, as a brave Episcopalian, to violate my conscience, my faith, Scripture, Tradition and Christian Heritage and to sacrifice all my worldly goods for this oath."

Schori then cited canon III.13.1, which states in part that "a Diocese without a Bishop may, by an act of its Convention, and in consultation with the Presiding Bishop" may be placed under another bishop's authority. "Robert Duncan is no longer recognized as a bishop of this organization because I SAID SO AND YOU HAVE SWORN UNCONDITIONAL OBEDIENCE TO ME RESISTANCE IS FUTILE YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED" screamed Schori; then, pausing to wipe spittle from the corner of her mouth, added more normally "besides, I don't like his haircut."

Turning to the matter of the new diocesean bishop, Schori said "I am pleased to announce that, late last night, a special investigatory committee cleared retired bishop Charles Bennison of all charges, and I now appoint him to be bishop of the diocese of Pittsburgh. His years of leadership, integrity and vision provide an inspiration and example that we can all admire."

She then told the convention that there is "new hope here for a church that can tolerate and even welcome diversity. Deacon Da Finger is now handing out a manual to help you recognize what sorts of diversity are to be tolerated, welcomed and celebrated... and what statements, beliefs, liturgical styles and prayerbooks require their advocates to be hunted down and slaughtered without hesitation or mercy regardless of what Scripture or the Episcopal canons might appear, to the uninitiated, to actually say."

Convention then approved a $459,000 annual budget for the diocese, a budget funded by an anonymous donation, given only with the stipulation that the diocese be renamed "The Diocese of the Glorious and Immaculate David Booth Beers." The resolution to rename the diocese passed unanimously, with the roll-call "aye" votes punctured only by the sound of Deacon Finger whacking a blackjack into his open palm.

Concluding the convention, a beaming Schori announced that the rest of the Episcopal organization "stand[s] with you in the firm and constant hope that this body will grow and flourish and bless the Pittsburgh areas in ways you have not yet dreamed of," a statement met by loud crys of "Aye!" and "Hear! Hear!" and "Heil Schori!" from a collection of cross-dressing transgendered Wiccans and Satanists gathered in the back of the room around the buffet table.

Former bishop Duncan was not available for comment.

First posted on the MCJ blog.

Projected deposition of bishop Lawrence

Back in March, this seemed likely, and I jokingly forecast it for the weeks following the diocese of SC's objection to +Cox' and +Schofield's deposition. Now, some months later, as I copy it over to this new blog, it seems less likely.


New York, April 3, 2008
AP wire

Recalcitrant Episcopal bishop of South Carolina Deposed

In an unexpected move today, Dr. K. J. Schori, leader of the Episcopal church, announced the deposition of bishop Mark Lawrence of the Episcopal diocese of South Carolina.

"We have had reservations about this bishop and diocese for some time" said Dr. Schori. "In fact, we were quietly working on a writ of deposition based on recently-discovered clerical irregularities in his selection and ordination. However, last week's statement by his diocese disagreeing with our actions and interpretations of the canons has forced us to make this decision several months ahead of our planned schedule."

Early this week, Dr. Schori called an emergency meeting of bishops for the express purpose of taking a vote on the inhibition and deposition of Bp. Lawrence. Surprisingly, quite a few bishops claim that they never received notification of the meetings, and several others reported not receiving the bulk-rate-posted notices until two days after the emergency meeting took place. "I'm sure all the letters went into the mail" avowed Dr. Schori, conducting reporters quickly through her office where a secretary was busy shredding letters returned for insufficient postage. "I can only suggest that you investigate the inefficiencies of those dioceses' secretarial staffs to track down the purported delays."

In fact, only seven bishops actually appeared for the votes: Dr. Shori herself, Charles of Utah, Ilhoff of MD, Robinson of NH, Spong of Newark, Swing of CA and Waynwick of Indianapolis. "It just so happened," said Waynwick, "that we were in town meeting with Dr. Schori on another matter and so extended our stay to attend this emergency session of the House of Bishops. So we learned about it from in-person conversations with her, but I can't imagine why the other bishops didn't show up."

Despite the small turnout, the Episcopal church's lawyer, David B. Beers, certified that the vote was valid. Looking up from his drink at a working lunch with Dr. Schori, he said to reporters "Quorum is from the Latin 'of whom'. At this emergency meeting we had individuals all 'of whom' -- quorum -- were members of the House of Bishops. So we had a quorum. And, as the majority of them voted for this deposition, it is canonically valid. Now go away... the Episcopal church is paying for this lunch and I want another martini."

Asked if she thought that some members of the diocese of South Carolina might leave over this potentially contraversial decision, Dr. Schori replied "Well, there are always some bad apples, sure. But we've seen that the vast majority of Episcopalians really don't care about theological or ecclesiastical matters. After all, we've been steadily abandoning the Christian faith for 30 years now, and people keep showing up on Sunday and putting money in the plates. As long as weekly coffee hours aren't affected too much, Episcopalians really don't care what their church is doing, teaching, funding, or promoting. So I don't expect this vote -- this completely legal and valid vote -- to cause too much disturbance in that diocese."

"Moreover," she added, "pleased with how successful our Dennis Canon has been, we will be introducing new legislation at General Convention next year which will require any Episcopalian who wants to leave the church to pay a $100,000 fine. After all, they voluntarily associated with a hierarchical institution and have thereby forfeited the right simply to leave, as that reflects badly on our organization and can be misunderstood by the public. These perfectly legal and canonical fines should reduce the number of people leaving -- which really is very small anyway!!! -- and, even if they do, help us continue to pay for these business lunches at Manhattan's finer restaurants."

Sources informed our reporters that the new bishop and standing committee for the diocese of South Carolina have already been selected by the organization's central office, and that instructions to its members on how they should vote and what they are permitted to say at their upcoming special convention will be distributed early next week.

First posted on the MCJ blog.

Deposition of Bishop Coke Classic

Back in March, Chris Johnson of the MCJ gave us an interview with the latest innovative bishop in PEcUSA -- an empty coke bottle. Given the trends of that organization, however, it is only a matter of time and "progress" until what seems like an innovation today is revealed to be far too outmoded and conservative. Looking down the road a few years, therefore, I predict that this empty coke bottle shall eventually be deposed...

Update -- PEcUSA 2067

Today, by a majority vote of 22 to 195, bishop Cokes Classic was deposed from office by presiding bishop Dr. Pepper Lite.

In a statement released by 815, Dr. Pepper said "We can no longer accept the continued presence of 'classic' bottles in our organization. 'Classic' sodas are responsible for global warming, slavery, racism, sexism, homophobia, carnivorousness, tasteful vestments, earthquakes, fire, floods, rains of fish, tooth decay, receeding hairlines, spandex, constipation and the common cold.

"By being a 'Classic' bottle, bishop Cokes has thus sinned against what this institution stands for, and has thus been voted out of office by the 22 votes which our laywer, David Root Beers, assures me constitutes a majority according to the canons. Accordingly, effective today, Bishop Cokes Classic is no longer a member of the House of Bottles and no longer permitted to perform any ecclesiastical acts in our organization."

Reportedly, 43 members of the Episcopal church have left the organization over this latest decision -- representing a loss of 11% of the group's remaining membership. Asked about this devleopment, Dr. Pepper said "the media is focusing on only a minor percentage of our organization and blowing the issue way out of proportion. The majority of the Episcopal Church's 5 parishes in 11 countries are doing quite well and continuing to focus on spreading the word of the MDGs and sharing that good news with the world." Asked what he thought about this latest development in his church, one of the organization's few remaining members said "eh? Whazzat? Speak up, sonny! Where's my peanut?"

The United Church of Christ, Unitarians, and ELCA issued statements supporting this latest action by the Episcopal Church. Asked what the official Roman position was on these latest development in the Episcopal Church, pope Benedict XVIII said "the what? Sorry... never heard of them."

- Reuters

First posted on the MCJ blog.

Deposition of the pope by Dr. Schori

In celebration of Dr. Schori's pleading of a "scheduling conflict" to avoid the reception by the pope of American religious leaders in New York this past April, I bring you:

THE EPISCOPAL ORGANIZATION
-- Office of the Supreme Leader, Fuhrer, and Executive Autocrat
Dr. Katharine Jefferts Schori
Presiding Oddly Mitred Person and Gorilla


Announcement of the Deposition of Pope Benedict XVI

The Title IV Review Committee having certified to me on April 19, 2008 pursuant to Canon IV. 1(1) of the Hermetic-Samaratine Corpus of the Secret Laws of Episcopal church (whose glorious contents are known only to those initiated into the mysteries of the goddess under the aegis of Simon Magus by archierophant Beers) that the Rt. Rev. Joseph Alois Ratzinger, sometimes known as Benedict the XVI, bishop of Rome, has abandoned the communion and teaching of this organization; and the three senior individuals of my personal coffee & martini klatch (the Rt. Rev B. Harris, the Rt. Rev. J. Spong and the Rt. Rev. V. G. Robinson) having consented to this inhibition on that same day, I hereby inhibit the said Bishop Ratzinger and order that from and after April 19, 2005, he cease and desist from exercising the gifts of ordination and ministry; and pursuant to Canon IV.15 of that same Hermetic legal corpus, I pronounce him deposed and order that he cease and desist such acts in any jurisdiction, country, monastery, pub, auditorium, sports arena, or ecclesial location.

I further order and decree that, pursuant to Canon IV.23a and to the Denis Canon, that all monies, properties, parishes, buildings, endowments and any other temporal or secular possessions heretofore belonging either to his see of Rome or to any diocese, religious house or institution which owes affiliation to that see is now forfeit to the Episcopal Organization and I direct that all titles, funds, leases, liens and endowments be transfered forthwith to this office after which transfers, pursuant to section 23b of that same canon, I direct him to cease and desist exercise of all matters temporal as well.

I call upon this former bishop of Rome, now deposed, to apologize to the world for being accused of supporting Nazism, for belittling Islam, for denigrating European secularism, for causing global warming, for eating beef, for rejecting homosexualism and women's ordination, for encouraging prayer, for having nicer vestments than I do, and for upholding Christian teaching.

I hereby direct that notice of this Inhibition and Deposition be expiditiously sent to the college of Roman cardinals, Louis Crew, the New York Times, the Ecumenical Patriarch (you're next, mister!), the Dalai Lama, Barbara Streisand, Muqtada al-Sadr and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may-he-live-forever-and-be-blessed-with-1000-camels.

Signed,
Katharine J. "Kitty Cat" Schori
a.k.a. Donnette Schorlione
Presiding Administrator of the Episcopal Organization
Revered and fully-participating member of the Canturbury Anglican Communion.


First posted on the MCJ blog