Saturday, July 12, 2008

Star Blech - Episode 11.3

In celebration of the Presiding Individual's response to the recent GAFCon meeting, I bring you the latest installment (the first written, but perhaps not the first chronologically) of....

The GAFCon Encounter

CUE "Star Blech" music and opening sequence.

: "Space. The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Episcobaal... its five-year missional: To explore strange new doctrines. To seek out new faiths and new ritualizations. To boldly go where no church has gone before." [swell music]

SCROLL TITLE: "Episode 11 - The GAFCON Encounter, part 3"

LT. ANDRUS (looking at screen): "Wait, that's not a moon... that's a space station!"

MR. SPORK (turning in chair): "It is as we feared, captain..."

CPT. SCHORI (loudly): "PRIMATE!"

SPORK: "... um... Primate Schori. They managed to get the GAFCON station off the ground after all."

SCHORI: "How could they? We mined that whole area with Photon Media-pedos to destroy their credibility. You said that would keep them grounded!"

SPORK: "It would have, captain..."


SPORK: "... but they used the Internet to get past the mines."

SPORK (fists upraised, "Khan"-gesture): "VIRTUE!!!!!"

LT. PRICE (from communications)
: "Captain?"


PRICE: "I'm getting some strange emissions from the GAFCON station. Er, on the GAFCON station. Um, about GAFCON. I mean..." (wipes brow, starts again) "The GAFCON station is emitting the GAFCON statement on the GAFCON station, ma'am."

SCHORI: "What do they say?"

PRICE: "They've announced they no longer recognize our jurisdiction in this sector of space."

[Loud PPPTHPP noise... Price pulls of headphones in pain.]

PRICE (whitefaced)
: "And.... they've blown us a raspberry!" (Shocked looks on all bridge crew)

[Beeping noises from Spork's console]

SPORK: "Captain?"

SCHORI (hopping up and down, waving her arms, orangutan-style): "PRIMATE!!!!!!"

SPORK: "Another ship is coming into range. It's the flagship Canterbabble!"

SCHORI (aside to Dr. Beers)
: "About time too. Do you realize how much money we've sent them?"

PRICE: "The Canterbabble is firing on GAFCON. It's hitting them with a statement of its own!"

SCHORI: "Any effect?"

SPORK: "Too soon to tell, ma'am. It's fired its logic disruptors at them... yes, it's hit them with legalese, pleas for patience, suggestions for another meeting, proposals to form a new committee... YES! It has accused them of not being nice!"

DR. BEERS (to himself)
: "Wow, the big guns!"

SCHORI: "Lieutenant Chane!"

LT. CHANE (turning)
: "Yes ca..., um, ma'am?"

SCHORI: "Give me weapons lock. I want to fire on those GAFCON emissions too, before they cause any Global Warming."

CHANE: "Aye aye ma'am. Firing now.... Damn!"

SCHORI: "What's wrong?"

CHANE: "Our statement... we appear to have fired a dud ma'am."

PRICE (listening to headset): "He's right and... yes... I think... yes, they're laughing at us."

SCHORI: "Damn. Well, just don't tell the crew. We'll issue something better in time for their Sunday Bulletins."

PRICE: "Aye aye ma'am".

SCHORI: "Okay, people, looks like we're going to have to take this GAFCON thing seriously after all. Price, call up the damage control parties. Senior officers, meet me in the debriefing room."

ENSIGN ANDERSON (from door to the debriefing room): "Um, ma'am... um... the debriefing room is full. Crewman Louie and Lieutenant Commander Robinson are having a party in there."

SCHORI (exasperated): "Again?! What are they doing this time?"

ANDERSON: "Um... getting de-briefed, ma'am."

SCHORI: "Oh, right... of course. Okay, my Ready Room then. It's time we took this fight to the enemy. We've got to sink them before the Lambeth Rendezvous! Spork, Beers, Sisk... with me." (gets up and strides toward ready room door)

SPORK, BEERS, SISK (getting up and following): "Aye, aye captain."

[Start fading to black]

VOICEOVER (Schori): "PRIMATE!!!!!!!!!"

CUE: theme music

VOICEOVER: "Tune in next week for the exciting continuation of episode 11: The GAFCON Encounter"

First posted on the MCJ blog.